How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

  • Broadway Books

Men are right. The “relationship talk” does not help. Dr. Patricia Love’s and
Dr. Steven Stosny’s How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
reveals the stunning truth about marital happiness:

Love is not about better communication.
It’s about connection.

You’ll never get a closer relationship
with your man by talking to him like you
talk to one of your girlfriends.

Male emotions are like women’s sexuality:
you can’t be too direct too quickly.

There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.

Men want closer marriages just as much as women do,but not if they has to act like a woman.

Talking makes women move closer;
it makes men move away.

The secret of the silent male is this:
his wife supplies the meaning in his life.

The stunning truth about love is that talking doesn’t help.

Have you ever had this conversation with your spouse?

Wife: “Honey, we need to talk about us.”
Husband: “Do we have to?”

Drs. Patricia Love and Steven Stosny have studied this all-too-familiar dynamic between men and women and have reached a truly shocking conclusion. Even with the best of intentions, talking about your relationship doesn’t bring you together, and it will eventually drive you apart.

The reason for this is that underneath most couples’ fights, there is a biological difference at work. A woman’s vulnerability to fear and anxiety makes her draw closer, while a man’s subtle sensitivity to shame makes him pull away in response. This is why so many married couples fall into the archetypal roles of nagging wife/stonewalling husband, and why improving a marriage can’t happen through words.

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It teaches couples how to get closer in ways that don’t require “trying to turn a man into a woman.” Rich in stories of couples who have turned their marriages around, and full of practical advice about the behaviors that make and break marriages, this essential guide will help couples find love beyond words.

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3 Comments

  1. DougU4 said,

    Wrote on September 22, 2017 @ 7:08 am

    117 of 127 people found the following review helpful
    5.0 out of 5 stars
    A “Must Read” for Failing Relationships / Marriages, November 28, 2015
    By 
    DougU4

    Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
    This review is from: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Paperback)

    After two years of marriage counselling with a leading counselor in our area and almost a year of therapy with a highly recommended sex therapist, I was ready to just hang it up and deal with the eventual divorce. Though we love each other deeply, there was a huge chasm between us that seemed impossible to bridge. It was as if we were speaking in different languages. Hour after hour I sat in the counselling/therapy sessions and the harder I tried to “listen”, the more distant and broken I felt. We went over and over the same issues with no one offering any real possible resolution. I just could not understand why she could not “hear me”, my points were valid and reasonable, logical and concise, just as I am sure she felt hers were, but no matter how I approached and re-approached any given issue from different angles, the results were the same: I left each session in emotional turmoil, feeling manipulated, coerced, ignored, used, and felt worse most of the time than before we went in.
    I know/knew our particular “issues” are very common in marriage, but “talking” about them just made them all the more blatantly painful. Worst of all, nothing we tried was even remotely “fixing” anything. I was at the point I that I was fed up. I sure wasn’t going to “cave in” to her demands for what I felt were even more changes to my behavior or even further concessions from me. It was painfully obvious that she was in a place where she refused to budge on anything. Our sex life went from “pretty good” to “gone”. Every session seemed to just make the situation worse. The issues we had were now openly on the table but resolution was no where in sight. So now we were aware of the problems, but no solutions were in sight.
    Don’t get me wrong, counseling and therapy weren’t entirely a “bust”. Because of the time we spent there, I learned a whole lot about “my part” in our marital problems and probably never would have found this book without experiencing the personal growth I needed. I willingly began to work on “me” and stopped focusing on “her”. In this regard, the counselling and therapy was “great” for identifying our issues, my issues, and eventually pinpointing a probable cause for our “sexual meltdown”. But my repeated gut reaction was that we kept going in the same old circles, never quite getting to “what” was causing it and “what” we might do to heal our marriage.
    As a man, if something broken I want to know what it is, why it broke, what it was that broke it, what I need to do to fix it, and then obtain the proper tools and materials to do my best to repair it. If I caused it to break, then I will learn what not to do the next time, or at least the time after that. I also know that if I am really upset, mad, angry, frustrated, that it is useless for me to even attempt the repair until I can calm down and regain my focus.
    I could not see why it was so hard for specialists in this field to guide us in the right direction. Yes, they helped me understand many of the parts involved that were in disrepair and sometimes pointed me in the right direction to fix each part, but damn, where were the instructions we needed to put the “whole” thing back together and tell us what was broken and how it got that way in the first place?
    We were both living in misery. I was lost for answers despite hundreds of hours of reading and researching, working a 12 step program, diligently attending the counseling sessions while spending thousands of dollars, and though I was gaining newfound perspectives on “me”, I, we, could not find a way that would put “us” back together again.
    I went to my own private psychologist, she went to a psychotherapist for EMDR therapy, I became involved with a great codependency program in our area specifially for me, and she continued in her 12 step codependency program. We both began reading book after book, each one great at describing the “what”, but never adequately addressing the “why”, and more importantly, “why” what we were doing wasn’t bringing us any closer to having any hope all of ever resolving our “issues”, of making our marriage loving and compassionate like it once was.
    And then… what I now consider to be a miracle, happened. On one of my so far futile quests for answers, I stumbled across this book. The title intrigued me, so I dug a little deeper. Research on this book indicated it had excellent reviews by some of the other prominent writers in this field. The few negative reviews of note were written by a few marriage counselors in what I now feel were vain attempts to justify their stereotypical approaches, which simply were not working for me, for “us”. (This book even explains why the mainstream approach to helping couples…

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  2. David Sullivan said,

    Wrote on September 22, 2017 @ 7:46 am

    5.0 out of 5 stars
    A must for marriage and relationship therapists, March 22, 2017
    By 

    Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
    This review is from: How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Paperback)
    This is a great book for understanding gender differences in marriage and how to deal effectively with conflicts or tensions that build up within time. Psychology courses should include the topics discussed in this practical book.
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  3. Anonymous said,

    Wrote on September 22, 2017 @ 7:46 am

    11 of 13 people found the following review helpful
    5.0 out of 5 stars
    Works – even if your partner doesn’t even know about it., September 18, 2015
    By 
    David Sullivan (Gloucester, MA) –
    (REAL NAME)
      

    Verified Purchase(What’s this?)
    After 50 years of marriage, my wife and I had settled into an uncomfortable truce. Both of us had heard everything the other had to say; and we had long since despaired of having any influence on the relationship.

    This book works for two simple reasons – it identifies actions you can take with no need for cooperation, understanding, or outside reinforcement; and it concentrates on attitude and action – not “communication.”

    As the author points out, we don’t want the relationship to fail; and more importantly, we don’t like the person we are when we are annoyed, hurt, and angry. So – do things that make YOU feel like the person you were when you were in love – and maybe she will feel like you are that person again too.

    I would recommend it for any couple that has “grown apart” and would like to grow back together.

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